What
if my son stares with a face like my own
And
says he wants to be like me when he’s grown
#%&!
But I ain’t finished growing – P. Diddy
“Until you have a son of your own…you will
never know the joy, the love beyond feeling that resonates in the heart of a
father as he looks upon his son. And you
will never know the heartbreak of the fathers who are haunted by the personal
demons that keep them from being the men they want their sons to be.” Ken Nerburn
One of the ironies of fatherhood is that, as you
look at yourself, you are not father material.
The things you want to see in your children you do not yet see in
yourself, and the one you are the most disgusted with, is you. As G.K. Chesterton put it, the problem with the world is “me.”
And the even more frustrating thing is, you don’t
seem to be able to do anything about it.
You were hurt by your father’s anger, but you feel the same anger
welling up when your child interrupts you, or interferes with your relaxation,
or has their fifth sibling fight in five minutes. You have painful memories of being yelled at,
but you find your veins popping out in livid relief as you thunder in your
three-year-old’s face, “Stop running around while I try to talk!” You wished your parent had fully accepted
you, but you find yourself judging or lashing out when your child shows a part
of themselves that you don’t like.
The problem with the world is me – the same can be
said for parent-child relationships, to paraphrase Jack Miller. But even more of a problem is, what do I do
about that?
Let’s look at three things.
1.
Discard
the “ifs”. Are you disappointed with
your child? Discouraged? Dismayed?
Angry? Finding yourself unable to
love them unconditionally with the love of Christ? Then it’s possible you have attached a string
to that love, and the child yanked the string.
In other words, your love came with an “If.” Here are some examples:
-
If you don’t embarrass me in public, we will
live at peace and I will accept you for who you are.
-
If you adhere to the rules of my religion, I
will love you.
-
If you accept my particular understanding of the
Bible, I will accept you.
-
If you get good grades in school, you will be
accepted.
-
If you respect me and obey the rules of the
house, you will be loved.
Now, all these things are fine in and of
themselves. But if we make our love for
our child conditional upon their fulfillment, we are not loving with the stringless
love of Christ.
Recently my daughter reacted in a certain way
to a biblical teaching that I presented.
Her reaction caused me a lot of turmoil, over a month of it in fact,
before I finally realized that in my heart I had set up a condition. If she accepted this particular belief of
mine, I would accept and love her. When
I realized that and let it go, I felt once again peace and acceptance towards
her in my heart.
Is your relationship with your
child strained? Have they violated any
“ifs”? If so, no pun intended, can you
let these go?
2.
Exorcise
the demons. The Puritans told us our
enemies were three: the world, flesh, and devil; this point focuses on the
third. What are our “demons”? They are those behaviors that we literally
can’t control, because they rise from strongholds in our hearts of the devil’s
power.
Several years ago in church I
listened to a man share his story. He
was a well-known Christian leader, church planter, and educator. He had five children and a lovely wife. But until his 50s, he, confessed, he had
struggled with uncontrollable anger.
This did not happen all the time; only in certain situations did he feel
this overwhelming rage rising within. At
such times, whoever was around felt the storm of his wrath.
Then one day, he was watching a
television program with his wife, and sirens began to wail on the TV. As they did so, he began to cry. Then he understood. For years as a child, his family had been
homeless. They had moved around from
shelter to shelter, in neighborhoods where at night sirens split the air. When he heard the sirens on TV, they touched
this deep hurt in his life, and the tears flowed.
Once my friend was able to identify
the source of his anger, which was hurt and bitterness over homelessness, he
was able to forgive and accept his past, and move on. The taproot was cut, and although his anger
did not entirely cease, the mysterious and hard-to-control part did.
Do you have behaviors that seem out
of control? Maybe it’s anger, like my
friend. Maybe it’s a life-sucking habit,
such as drinking, porn, or overeating.
Whatever, the case, if there is a behavior that you just feel like you
are having an out of body experience while doing it, chances are that the
devil has gained a foothold in your life through a past experience that was
traumatic for you, and to which you reacted with anger, fear, or both.
Identification of the root and forgiveness
of the perpetrator will help you move on to become the father you want to be.
3.
Don’t
settle for less! Some of us look at
the mess we are and want to throw up our hands.
Not only are we up against the giant task of molding a child’s behavior,
but standing smack in the way is our own twisted self. And in the path of reforming that is generational sin, the devil, and
our nature that is powerfully attracted to evil. But think of this truth: the power that
raised Jesus from the dead is at work in you.
Is any force too strong for God?
No!
So don’t give up the fight. Don’t give up the struggle against
generational sin. Don’t give up the
fight against the flesh, the world, the devil.
Don’t look in the mirror of your heart, and the mirror of your
biological family, and throw up your hands in despair. You can change. It is possible. And even if you only make a small amount of
progress in this life, this will be a treasured heritage to pass on to your
children, that they in turn can build on and pass on to theirs.
Let’s fight for our families,
children, neighborhoods, and world. The
power that raised Jesus from the dead is at work in you.
