Regarding Sheila
Wray Gregoire
I recently googled “harmful things about Sheila Wray
Gregoire” and couldn’t find anything, so decided to write my own piece. While her book The Great Sex Rescue does
have helpful things in it, there are also dangers and a note of warning needs
to be struck.
But first, the positives.
Sheila Wray Gregoire is the most popular Evangelical marriage blogger on
the internet, and her blog has helped many women in the area of sex. Indeed, from reading The Great Sex Rescue,
my wife and I were assisted in various ways. The book takes a look at sex mainly from the
evangelical women’s perspective, for the stated reason that most of the other
evangelical books on sex are written from a male point of view.
Due to its perspective, The Great Sex Rescue provided
quite a few “aha moments” and insight into the female sexual experience. It was helpful to hear about women’s need for
arousal, and to hear various women speaking about how due to dissatisfaction in
relationship sex was just not enjoyable for them. It was also very appropriate to be reminded
that sex should be enjoyable for the woman as well as for the man, and if it’s
not, something is wrong.
Finally, it was healthy to explore the idea that sex should
not only reflect a physical connection, but an emotional and spiritual one as
well. Evaluating my relationship with my
wife in these three areas was a good barometer check.
Having listed these helpful aspects of the book, I also need
to sound a few warning bells in light of her exploding popularity, lest the
evangelical world swallow the bones with the meat. For one, it seems a little more humility
would become Mrs. Gregoire. In this
book, she takes on all of the heavy hitters in the evangelical marriage book
world – and effectively disses them all.
Classics such as Love and Respect, The Act of Marriage, His
Needs, Her needs, and The Power of a Praying Wife are roundly
disregarded and attacked for being written from a male point of view – and
therefore invalidated. No-one is off
limits: even widely respected authors and organizations such as Tim Keller and Focus
on the Family receive her ire. If a book said things such as “Sex is a male
need”, “Men struggle with porn”, or “Women should have sex with their husbands
to keep them from looking at pornography or having an affair,” it was deemed insensitive,
sexist and harmful. The cumulative
effect of all this loud criticism was like a prolonged scream.
I do not think the classic books on marriage are perfect and
beyond critical bounds. For example, like
Mrs. Gregoire I had a hard time with the flippant and cavalier tone of the book
Sheet Music. But let us remember
that Sheila Wray Gregoire is a blogger, writing from her house somewhere in
Canada. Boggers are not vetted by anyone;
they can put out whatever they want on the internet; education, credentials,
and approval are not required for them to spout their views. By contrast, the men and women who wrote the
books she critiques had to progress through the ranks of churches and
denominations and publishers - a tough
vetting process that Gregoire has not had to face from behind her
keyboard. Anyone can have an opinion –
it is much harder to get that opinion published and recognized in the
traditional way. Gregoire would do well
to show a more respect towards those the evangelical world has recognized and
been helped by.
Another weakness of Gregoire’s book is the basis of its
research. All her research was done with
women, with the occasional man (maybe 2 or 3) talked to and quoted. Based on talking with women, she comes up
with such ideas as, “Lust is his problem, not hers”, “Men do not need sex every
three days,” “Men should not be tempted with what they see,” and “Not having
sex should not lead to an affair or porn.”
While her concern that women are a part of the sex equation needs to be
heard, all she had to do was talk with a couple of men (other than the 2 or 3 weird
examples she found) to hear that well, yes, lust is a huge problem, no, I can’t
really help it, and lack of sex in marriage does lead to a myriad of problems including
porn use, and affairs. In her attempt to
present sex from the women’s side, she misrepresents and stigmatizes the male
experience.
Thirdly, her biblical theology and exegesis is shoddy at
best, and at points wrong. She does not
believe in biblical male headship in the family, but does not give Scriptural
basis for her views; rather an egalitarian marriage is advocated because it
prevents divorce and fosters better sex. (p. 33) In a footnote on the chapter where she makes
this claim, she claims Ephesians 5:22 does not contain the word “submit” in the
original Greek, when actually, it does (hupotasso). In her explanation of 1 Cor. 7:2-5, she
posits that sex should not be used to combat a porn addiction; rather, that
addiction should be fought by the man apart from sex with his wife. This, despite the fact that Paul uses such
language as “do not deprive each other…so that you may not be tempted.” One gets the impression from reading this
book that she is letting emotion dictate her interpretation of the Bible,
rather than allowing Scripture to shape our experience.
Sheila Wray Gregoire is a blogger from Canada who has become
famous by publishing the woman’s perspective on sex on the internet. However, she does not take the male
perspective into account, she is not a careful theologian, and she should show
more respect for the authors she attacks.
Let’s listen to what she has to say, because there are some helpful correctives. But let us not forget that there is a dangerous
dose of bones in there with the meat.
